To Email Or Not To Email

Dealing With Conflict

Inevitably you're going to have disagreements, take objection or receive an email or message from a coworker with a less than pleasant tone.  These situations can be uncomfortable and will likely raise your hackles.  Dealing with a coworker who brings hostility into a textual communication can make your job unpleasant.  Unfortunately your coworker is effectively making their problem yours.

Speak to them in Person

When a communication becomes hostile over email or some messaging application (like communicator, Lync, etc) I recommend asking that person if they have a few minutes to chat in person.  The virtual aspect of email allows people to just say what they think without filtering it through their "public face".  By allowing them to see your face they have to devote more of their attention to the communication and hopefully make them think twice about saying something careless.

Step Away

If talking to the person face to face isn't an option, go ahead and write a reply, then let that email sit for five minutes in an open window, go and do something else (continue working on something else, grab a water, etc) and then go back and re-read the email to ensure it makes sense (reread it for grammar) and only then send it.  Those five minutes (and the context switch) can help you calm down and determine if the reply really is appropriate - remember you're creating a permanent archive of that communication once you send it.  Over a few years of working at the same company - I wrote over 400 draft emails that never made it to their intended recipient(s).


If the issue requires your attention in under five minutes - generally that person won't rely on sending you an email.  One interesting thing you'll notice is providing there is a long list of recipients - someone will reply before you do and quite possibly they'll know something you don't.  

Remove the Audience

One other tactic that can be effective in diffusing a hostile back and forth is to "remove the audience".  That is, reduce the list of recipients down to the smallest set of people that "need the information".  When someone questions your competence over email it will be very tempting to reply to all in an attempt to redeem your maligned reputation.  However, this is likely to only exacerbate the situation - so try to determine if you actually have any useful information to contribute and if so - only to the people who need that information.  

One of the remaining recipient(s) might see fit to "re-add" the audience - that is their prerogative - don't make a point of removing "the audience" repeatedly unless there is a business reason to do so (i.e. confidentiality).  By continuing to remove the "audience" you're defying their decision and you're likely to heighten aggression rather than diffuse it.

Different Sources

There are a few different types of people that can bring aggression into your work life.

Management

This will be the most stressful and difficult to manage.  The most common form of aggression and hostility I've experienced from management has been nagging (AKA micromanagement).  This can take the form of an insistence to know what you're doing on an hour to hour basis, questioning every little decision you make or made, etc.

The complexity in this situation is that management is in a position of authority.  If management has become overbearing or hostile towards you (all the time) then there is already a much deeper problem (than just a moment of poor judgement).  Either you've lost the trust of management and/or you're in the unfortunate position of having a poor manager.  In either of those cases - it might be a good time to start looking for work elsewhere - in the same company or externally.

However, if this is just a "one off situation" (the exception to the rule) rather than "the new normal" - then you have other options.  The important message you need to convey to management is that you enjoy working at your company (even if that isn't true at that precise moment) and want them to know they can rely on you and trust you to deliver on their expectations.

Peers

This is only a slightly better situation than getting hostility from management - since you have to work with these people.  Even if these people don't have authority over you - they still have the ability to make your life unpleasant by sowing seeds of discord against you (with other peers or management).  So just like the situation with management this situation needs to be rectified.

There are too many different types of peer interactions you will have to enumerate all possible responses.  However, from a high level - the important consideration in this situation is whether you're likely to have to work with this person over the long term.  If you won't - then suck it up and move on.  Let them vent and think about the light at the end of the tunnel (your more positive peers).  

If you will have to work with them on an ongoing basis - allow the current situation to play out.  Once the smoke has cleared - I'd recommend "grabbing a coffee" with your peer and make sure they know you're primary concern is providing the most value you can.  Remember part of the reason you're being compensated is to work with others.  Again, I find face to face communication help you both see eye to eye (figurative through the literal).

Customers

As you've probably guessed - getting hostility/aggression from anyone isn't going to help your career or just doing your job.  But, in my experience the easiest of the three sources of aggression to manage is your customers.  These can be internal customers (that work at the same company) or external customers.

Again just like the other types of coworkers - there is no silver bullet for all situations.  In some positions - customers can have a strong influence on your position.  The special aspect of working with customers is that they "need something from you".  Find out why what you're doing isn't meeting their expectations - but do your best to keep that communication professional.  Sometimes, customers just like to complain - so unfortunately you have to play the role of the "complaints department" - sometimes expressions like "unfortunately with our limited resources - this is the nature of the beast" - it tells your customers you have no power to improve the situation.

Conclusion

1. Try to get some facetime with the aggressor - you might even find you misinterpreted the tone of the textual communication.
2. Step away from the computer.  By instantly replying with your knee jerk response - you could just be playing into their hand.  Try saving a draft of your email and ask one of your peers or management if the email is appropriate.
3. Remove the audience.  Who really needs to hear your response?